What Chronic Depression Feels Like

Depression is the Demon

It sneaks up on me like a thief in the night. I was just living my life, feeling pretty good, and then, I feel it begin.

The darkness begins to creep in. I feel a sense of panic because I know what to expect. It has visited me before.

I get angry because I was feeling so well. Optimistic, confident and dare I say it, happy? Maybe I was even too happy. Like a storm that threatens to ruin a beautiful sunny day, I am disappointed. I let myself believe that this time I had it beat. The dark feelings weren’t coming back again.

But I was wrong.

In my mind I try and fight it. I recognize the familiar feelings begin again. The thoughts that all is hopeless invade my mind even though I try and make them go away.

I feel like crying for no apparent reason. Right now I can keep from crying but I know soon it will get harder. I feel so restless and I cannot distract myself although I try.

Then it deepens and I just stop caring again. I avoid talking to anyone because I don’t want them to know that it is back again. Soon there will be no hiding it. Everyone will know.

I hate that.

I’m afraid that they will get tired of me and leave me forever. In my mind I am screaming, "It isn’t me, it is the demon".

I still care enough that I feel ashamed by its power over me. I guess that is good. It hasn’t swallowed me whole. It is coming though.

The longer it holds onto me the harder it is to break free from its grasp. It chokes me and wears me down. My mind tries to reason with it but I am getting worn out from the fight.

It won’t let me sleep more than a few hours at a time. I wish I could just sleep until it goes away again but it doesn’t work like that.

The last time it was here I thought it would never leave. I knew what it was doing but I couldn’t stop it. I surrendered to it.

Like a zombie I went through my days barely functioning and certainly not caring. My mind raced with self-pitying thoughts. I took a shower only so I could cry without anyone knowing. But they knew. How could they not?

The negativity oozed from me and there was no hiding it. I was the darkness.

Now it is back and although it is familiar it is not my friend. Depression is the demon and it is not wanted here.